A Day of Thinking

Today I took a little time to think. I thought about my losses and what they have meant to me. I thought about how each one effected me differently. I thought about their special dates. I thought about each special thing I associate with them.

I don't know what brought on these thoughts or why they showed up. What I know is each memory and thought held a meaning or made me realize different things. For instance: each loss effected me in a different way, but one in particular hit the hardest.

My hardest losss was Serenity. I wasn't pregnant long with her. I was around 4 or 5 weeks along when I miscarried her. I had been at my cousin's baby's funeral when I did. It was ironic. We were there for one baby and I was losing mine. There was a song that had played that day that has since stuck with me and often pops up in my mind. The song is Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good ( https://youtu.be/6ryNVtMVFXE ). This particular song always gets to me.

Anyways, my first loss was hard and so were the two after, but that fourth loss was the hardest. I don't know if it was being at the funeral or the way the baby was conceived, but it hits the hardest.

My second hardest is my first loss. I was around 8 weeks along with that one. Of course being a first for me it hit hard. That loss is named Adam. The namesake of the company. He's my precious little boy. One thing to note is I never went to any doctor with any of my losses. I regret that decision for many reasons, but that I will save for a different post. My Adam was conceived on Valentine's Day in 2017. I mention this because Valentine's day is coming up and I'm feeling unusually sad this time around. Anyways, with Adam I was excited and happy up until the day I lost him. As I said he was my first loss which makes him the second hardest.

How did I choose the names? This thought came to me too during my time of thinking. Adam's name came to me in a dream. I remember a little boy coming into the dream and the name followed. I couldn't pass up that name and so I called my child Adam James. My second loss, twins, their names came to me while I was sitting at work. Their names are Jordan Skye and Jaidyn Misty-Grace. My third loss was triplets. I don't remember how I got the other two of the triplet set, but I got Winter's name because it was winter and my favorite season, so her name became Winter Rose. The other two are Merit Aspasia Jaylee and David Jace Cole. As for my fourth loss Serenity Isla-Rose. I've always loved that name and knew I would give that name to one of my children. That name seemed to fit perfectly for her because of where I lost her and how I have felt with losing her. I have felt overwhelmed and sad and all kinds of grief since, but there is a sense of calm and peace. Those feelings actually came more so after a strong sense of feeling (I haven't told anyone at all this) of Serenity have had a twin. My gut and everything has told me this for so long and so Serenity presented me with the name Cordelia Opal Raelynn for her sibling.

I can go on and on about my thoughts and what each loss meant / means to me, but I need to end this here because the heaviness is great within my heart.